On my last post I was so desperate and depress and also missing so much my precious girl, but on this post everything is so different from then. I can say that since march of 2008 my life has done a 180 degress turn for good. I have never felt so happy in my life as I am now. Since I met her I have started to understand what true love is. I thought I knew love, but I didn't until I found her a year and a half ago. I will be seeing her so soon and I can't wait to have her in my arms again and love her forever. If you read this, know that my heart belongs to you M and will always be yours. Te amo.
Rushing thoughts invade my head, I can't stand them. My heart has been pounding hard and fast all day without me finding a reason why. I have been battleing in my head with SI thoughts all day, I have been keeping myself inside my room to protect myself from my thoughts, but is so hard......also I have my girl on my mind, I miss her terribly. Being so far from her is killing me, we have been together for almost 4 months and I have never had the oportunity of having her in my arms or even kiss her,
The previous paragraph was writen on july of last year.
YESTERDAY WAS THE WORST DAY IN MANY MANY YEARS. YESTERDAY MY SECRET WAS UNCOVERED, NOT BY ME, BUT BY SOMEONE ELSE THAT DID NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO SUCH A THING. YESTERDAY MY CO-WORKERS FOUND OUT ABOUT MY SEXUAL PREFERENCES, SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN KEEPING REALLY PRIVATE BECUASE I'M A CLOSET PERSON. YESTERDAY MY PARENTS FOUND OUT THE SAME THING. ALL OF THIS DONE BY MY EX GIRLFRIEND. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT SHE COULD BE SO DESTRUCTIVE. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL, BECAUSE OF THE IMPACT THAT THIS HAD OVER ME MY CURRENT GIRLFRIEND WHO IS ALSO A CLOSET TYPE, COULD NOT DEAL SO GOOD WITH THIS SITUATION AND ASKED ME FOR SOME TIME APART BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED OF EVERY MONTH HAVING TO DEAL WITH THIS WOMAN. I UNDERSTAND HER ANGER, BUT IT HURTS SO BAD THAT NOW WHEN I NEED HER THE MOST SHE IS LEAVING ALONE BECAUSE SHE IS AFRAID THAT THIS PERSON MIGHT GET HER INFORMATION AND DO THE SAME TO HER. I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING FELL RIGHT IN TOP OF MY HEAD AND I CAN'T SEE A WAY OUT. I CAN'T EAT, I'M CONSTANTLY TREMBLING, COULD NOT SLEEP LAST NIGHT. I CALLED MY GIRLFRIEND AND SHE DID NOT PICK UP THE PHONE. I LOVE HER SOOOO MUCH AND I MISS HER SOOOOO TERRIBLY. HOW COULD ALL THIS HAVE HAPPEN TO ME WHEN I HAVE BEEN SO HAPPY WITH MY CURRRENT GIRL AND THINGS AT HOME WERE FINE, THINGS AT WORK WERE OK, AND I SAY OK BECAUSE I HAVE A BACK CONDITION WERE I HAD TO GO TO THE DISSABILITY DEPARTMENT AND THEY GAVE ME SOME TIME OF OF WORK. I FEEL SO MISERABLE TODAY, I DON'T WANT TO GET OUT OF BED, I JUST WISH MY LIFE ENDED.
Fri, Oct. 12th, 2007, 07:50 pm
Hay cosas que no cambian, cosas que aparentaron por mucho tiempo haber desaparecido pero vuelven a salir a la superficie. Eso me paso anoche, eso me pasa hoy. Me encuentro aqui escribiendo por no quedarme sin hacer nada en la casa. Tengo miedo de cometer la misma locura que anoche por no saber como controlar estas emociones que me perturban tanto. Llore, pero eso no quito los deseos de sentirme viva, de escapar de esta realidad, que mas que realidad se ha convertido en una pesadilla de la cual al parecer no tengo salida. Y por ensima de todo me encuentro escuchando musica que me empuja a sentime peor aun , alimenta lo que siento, lo que deseo hacer, lo que deseo sentir, al menos por unos segundos. Hace anos pense que habia salido de esto pero aqui estoy denuevo dejando nuevas marcas para arrepentirme en un futuro de ser tan debil, tan estupida. Como dice la cancion de Evanescence "Tourniquet":
I TRIED TO KILL MY PAIN BUT ONLY BROUGHT MORE...... I'M DYING, PRAYING,BLEEDING AND SCREAMING, AM I TOO LOST TO BE SAVED? AM I TOO LOST?..... MY GOD MY TOURNIQUET RETURN TO ME SALVATION.....MY WOUNDS CRY FOR THE GRAVE, MY SOUL CRIES FOR DELIVERANCE... WILL I, BE DENIED, CHRIST TOURNIQUET..MY SUICIDE?
Aun cuando, por mi mente no pasa la idea de atreverme a quitarme la vida, bueno al menos no otravez, esta cancion es mi grito de auxilio antes de dejar una marca mas. Lo siento, no puedo dar vuelta atras en estos momentos, el deseo de escapar puede mas que yo.
LAST NIGHT I EXPERIENCED SOMETHING I HAD NOT EXPERIENCED IN A LONG TIME. THE PAIN WAS SO UNBEARABLE THAT I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO LOOSE MY MIND, I THOUGHT THAT I WAS GOING TO COLAPSE AND THE TEARS WOULD NOT STOP THE HURT INSIDE WAS NOT STOPPING AND I JUST COULD NOT SAY A WORD OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME. TODAY I WOKE UP TRYING TO THINK MORE POSITIVE ABOUT LIFE BUT I JUST CAN'T, EVEN WHEN I CRIED SO MUCH AND SO HARD LAST NIGHT I FEEL THAT I STILL HAVE A LOT OF MORE TEARS THAT I NEED TO SHEAD TO BE ABLE TO FEEL BETTER, BECAUSE I HAVE HOLD MYSELF BACK FOR SUCH A LONG TIME, EVERY TIME IGNORING EVEYTHING THAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME, THINKING IT WAS NOTHING, BUT NOW IT HAS BECOME SOMETHING, AND SOMETHING REALLY BIG, SOMETHING THAT SCARES ME BECAUSE I KNOW HOW IT CAN END AND I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL, I DON'T WANT TO CAUSE ANY PAIN TO MY PARENTS AND FAMILY BECAUSE I WAS NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH MY PROBLEMS. I HAVE TO SOME HOW DEAL WITH IT AND KEEP ON LIVING. IT HAS TO STOP HURTING SOMEDAY OR I WILL NOT BE SO SURE ABOUT BEING ALIVE.
I'm not done completely with a relationship when another is starting to grow. How this is posible, I dont know, I just know that at this moment I'm a danger zone and its me being hard to get out of it. I had told me myself: "no more, that's it, I'm going to straighten my life out" but what am I doing, I'm getting t entangle again in another circle that is going to end the same way this last vicious circle ended. I know deep inside that this is not the life I want for myself but why I keep falling for it, why? I'm on my way to psichological and emocional HELL all over again, and what am I doing about it? NOTHING! thats right NOTHING!!!
Mon, Sep. 17th, 2007, 07:08 pm
Here I am again, one should had said that by this time my life should had beedn going much better for me, but in the contrary, things are not looking so bright right now. I have been trying to break with a bondage and still I have not been able to. For two weeks already I had felt like I'm going to loose it all over again. What I mean by this? I mean that SI thoughts have come to my mind also small not loud thoughts of ending my life but I have been doing all I can to ignore them because I don't want to go back to the way I was , all sumerged in a depresion that I did not know how to get out of it. God knows I'm hurting bad inside right now, and knows that at this time I do not have anyone I can allow myself to be completely sincere about how I'm feeling, they might missinterpret what I want to say or what I feel. I'm alone in this and alone should I fight this feelings or just give up to them....I hope I win.
Sat, Aug. 5th, 2006, 07:52 pm
Right now I don't know how to feel, My heart is pounding so hard and I can't barely stand it. I want to cry so hard but I can't, I can't let my family know what's going on in my life, to see the nightmare that I'm living now. I feel trapped and all the people I had reached out for help but no one has been able to say anything that might take away at least a little bit of this pain. I don't know what is going to happen to me, what path I'll be following all I know right now is that I want to cry!!!!!!!!! and I just can't. I just hope that this pain goes away or I'll be going back to a bigger nightmare, than the one I'm already in.
I need help!!!!!
Jamas pense que yo llegaria a vivir el tipo de vida que me encuentro viviendo. Me encuentro viviendo una vida llena de mentiras, Quiziera poder huir y desaparecer de donde todo el mundo me pueda encontrar. No puedo negar que Nicky me hace mucha falta, que me hace falta escuchar su voz, ver sus ojos de ternura cuando me hablaba. Se que no tenemos ningun futuro juntas pero ya el tiempo nos habia unido muchisimo y vivir sin ella no va a ser nada facil. Dios sabe que nunca intente cambiarla, simplente queria que su vida fuera mejor, que estuviera bien en todos los aspectos, pues me duele y me molesta inmensamente que las personas me le hagan daño aunque no sea esa su intencion, sino por simple ignoracia del daño que hacen sin saberlo. Mi vida esta ligada a la de ella, mi alma tambien, por eso me duelen sus palabras hasta lo mas profundo. Ojala nuestra vida fuera diferente, ojala yo hubiera podido darle lo que ella necesitaba de mi, que no hubieran habido obstaculos para nuestra relacion, pero no fue asi y aunque yo quiera no puedo darselo.
Mi vida es un infierno que cada dia se va poniendo mas caliente, mas insoportable, ya no se que voy a hacer con mi vida, solo espero que Dios tenga misericordia de mi.
Sun, Feb. 20th, 2005, 10:04 am
When I thought things couldn't get worst, they did. About a month ago my girlfriend told me that they were taking her unit to Iraq, that broke my heart into pieces, and more because she was not going there for a few months she is going for around 2 years and that's awful alot of time
without her. I have tried to spend with her as much time
as I can, we have cried together and tried to be there for each other on this hard moment. She told me that she would not be mad at me if I found another person during the time
that she was going to be there but I told her I was going to wait for her and that time
was going to decide if we were going to stay together. Just this past friday I gave her a promise ring and two CDs of her favorite singers so that she would take them with her and remember me every time
she heard them, we spend such a great time
with each other that day, she couldn't stop talking about the ring and how happy I have made her through all this time
we have be together, but everything changed yesterday night, She called me all angry at me and I didn't know why. I tried to explain things to her but she was too angry to comprehend anything that I was saying. I called her and she didn't want to talk to me and told me my time
was up and that she didn't have time
to talk to me because she was with her people
at that time
. I felt so bad that I started crying so hard, I couldn't stop crying and more because she turned off her phone
, I left her message after message and she wouldn't hear them, I stood awake until like 1am when finally she called me at 3 in the morning telling me that she was not going to see me anymore in person, at least until she was back from Iraq, I asked her why she was taking that decision and she told me that she wanted to leave and I asked her again why? and she told me that it was because she had not been able to stop using drugs
and she didn't tell me before because she was afraid I was going to leave her because the last time
we spoke about it I told her that if she didn't help herself to get out of that trap I was going to leave, and I made her promise at that time
that if she felt tempted to use drugs
to please let me know that I would help her in anyway I could but she preferred to lie to me until this early morning when she confessed to me, I didn't know what to say or do, I told her that I felt like I couldn't go on with it anymore but soon I found out she was under the influences of the fucking cocaine and she was not thinking right, she mistreated me, she was so nasty to me and telling me that I was a liar, that I was in love
with someone else, that I have been lying to her all this time
, then she would change the topic and began telling me that I did something to her computer
because she couldn't get on-line. This kept going on and on for hours and right now I'm at work and I have not sleep since she called at 3 because she has not stopped calling to treat me wrong, I know I could turn off the phone
but I feel sorry for her and I know she must be going through a lot of pain to let herself fall back into the trap of drugs
. I truly want to disappear I can't stand all this, I feel so depress and hurt, how can the love
of my life treat me like this??? I even felt like hurting myself again after a long time
without doing it. I don't know what is going to happen.